Have any of you seen the movie "Penelope" with Christina Ricci? First of all, it's amazing and everyone should see it. It's wonderful. Second of all, I feel as if I'm a real life "Penelope." No, I do not have a pig face/nose that make the male sex run and scream at the sight of me. But there is something about me that has a similar effect, according to some. I'm overweight. And according to some, this is the reason why I am not married.
Let me preface. I have been able to do so much with my life. I have graduated college without debt, started a career, and have been able to travel and see friends and family all over. I have been truly blessed and I know that. Now, am I desperate to get married? No. Not by any means. It will happen when it happens. Plain and simple. Doesn't mean I want it any less or more. I just have to be patient.
Now to why I'm mad. Frustrated. Sad. Now to the pity party. I hate losing weight. Not because it's hard. I can do hard. I've lived through hard. I am not afraid of hard. But what I hate about losing weight is that people believe and have told me that the reason I'm not married yet is because of my weight. Moment of truth: That may be true. It probably is true. And it ticks me off.
Appearances are the first thing you see. It sort of gives a first impression. I know that with a smaller silhouette it will make me more approachable and then people will want to get to know me more. People are attracted to what they see. I get it. I understand it. Doesn't mean I have to like it. I do NOT want someone to marry me because of my size. I do not want someone to be attracted to me because I'm skinny enough for him. I want to marry someone because they like me for who I am.
I am not in this to be skinny. I'm in this to be healthy. And it scares me to death that I might be more "attractive" and "likable" because I'm skinnier. No. That is not what I want, that is not the mentality I want to have. I do not want to be liked because of what I look like. And as dumb as it sounds, it terrifies me that when all is said and done, and I've reached my goal weight, that someone wonderful will come along and I will not be able to help but wonder, "Would you have been interested in me a year ago?" All because of appearances.
Call me old fashion, call my ideas cliche, but I want someone who sees my inner beauty and the woman I can become. I know that I am a beautiful person. I do not mean this statement to be prideful and I hope no one reads it that way. But I am confident in my personality. I'm a little loud and obnoxious at times, but I feel that I am a good, genuine person who has so much love for the people around her and is true to herself. I don't put on pretenses. What you see with me, is what you get.
Recently, some friends have tried to set me up with several of their friends. They tell me, "Oh, he's so great! He has a similar personality to you and he's this and that and likes this and that..." and so on and so forth. And they tell him, "Oh, she's so great! You have similar personalities, she's this and that and likes this and that..." and so on and so forth. And then we meet. And the "Penelope" Effect happens. They don't run away screaming, but they silently walk away with disappointment. I sit there and silently remind myself I should have never gotten my hopes up, and then I pray for the day when things will be different.
I do not want to change myself for other people. I am doing this for me. And not because I want to get married, but because I want to be happy and healthy! Yes, all that can lead to a great relationship and possibly marriage, and yes, that's what I want in life, but I want people to like me for my personality. Not my dress size. And I'm mad that the world works that way and that it's something I can not change.
So this is my declaration. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm in this for my health. I'm in this for me. I understand that meeting someone amazing is a definite perk to losing weight. :) I just wish things would work differently, and that I could be honored with that sacred blessing with who I am and HOW I am now.
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